I Should Have Punched This Guy In the Lip

Part One: The door-to-door AT&T salesperson is a bona fide douche.

So, the AT&T guy made himself quite comfortable in my home this evening. When I mention to him that he might be a murderer, which is perfectly normal, he laughs it off and says, “Why would I want to lie?” Ughhhh. Duhhhh. Cause you want to murder me. (I didn’t dare say rape and murder lest he thinks up an idea he didn’t have before.) He drops himself down onto one of my chairs, crushing the blinds behind him.

The chair has a slight rock. And he rocks.

He doesn’t notice; he’s busy staring at me and talking in a really stare-y way. When I’m still standing too long for his liking, he pulls up a chair for ME to sit down (right next to him, might I add.) I call him on it. Dude, I’m not sitting down. For what? He says, “It’s not like I’m asking you to sit on the sleeper sofa.” And seriously, how did he know it was a sleeper sofa? I don’t sit.

He asks if I like sports. I’m assuming he’s trying to think of which package to sell me although I’ve already told him 15 times that I’m cancelling my cable since we never watch tv anymore. But, I say yes. “Which sport?” Football, I say. “Who’s your favorite team?”

This mutherfucker.

I ignore him. Bring the subject back to the business at hand. I’m still standing, he’s still sitting, by the way. ATTN: Men who know women only casually: If she is standing, you stand.        IF SHE IS STANDING, YOU STAND.

It makes women uncomfortable to be standing and exposed with a man’s face at her crotch level. Or maybe that’s just me… not.

Moving on.

A man, a friend of the family, walks past the living room window and into the backyard. The ATT&T guy says,

“A man just walked past your window.”

I know.

“Is that your husband? Your boyfriend?”

Don’t worry about that. I know him.

“Okay, because I’m worried, some man is just walking past your window.”

It takes me– walking a few steps to the front door and opening it, walking outside and standing there– for him to get off the chair and out of my house. When I step in for a pen to jot down his contact info, he is one step behind me. The fuck.

Anyway I got his name and personal cellphone number… because he wants to be helpful. Ok. Hide your kids, hide your wife.

I nominate that guy as The Official Worst ATT&T Employee

I caught sight of him still walking the neighborhood a while later when I took my bike out for a ride. This brings us to the next part of my night–

Part Two: My Body Is Banging or I’m Changed Tonight   (coming just as soon as I can type it. I am not a fast typist. Not even close. And I have this addiction to editing. If there are many errors, my apologies.)

18 thoughts on “I Should Have Punched This Guy In the Lip

    1. I hear Hitchcock banging on my door for movie rights. I’d cast Audrey Hepburn. I saw here in a film, she was blind and home alone. Anyhow, she did a brilliant job and I want her. For cable guy, I want to give the guy who played Barney Fife a shot at the villain. He was pigeon-holed, but I think he could draw some darkness out, and it’d be damn interesting and unexpected. What do you think?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. HAH!!! Have you considered being a screenwriter? That sort of Barney Fife “front” as an incredibly evil twisted Carl Rudolph Stargher, played in the 2000 film “The Cell” (Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughn) would be an EXCELLENT choice Lyz! Oh my. Have you seen it?

        An evil, manaical, horrid Don Knotts! WOW! 😈

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Believe it or not:
          1. I hate scary movies. Thrillers are borderline, and even then they must be mild.
          2. I’ve often though about screenwriting, but haven’t taken any steps. Can’t even really move out of state. Freelance screenwriting would be great, if that’s a thing. I write little scenes and such all the time. They randomly come. And I love the art of filmmaking. I’m rambling.

          Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree. He had a badge and all, but who ever knows. And my internet has been jacked up, I was wanting to cancel the cable… he caught me at a more susceptible time than usual, and that’s not good. He’s really put me off. I’ve been considering contacting a supervisor, which isn’t like me. Idk. He’d know it was me and where I live, so…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Lyz, a couple of cheeky suggestions if I may…

          Near or at the door (visible from the front porch or in foyer) have a poster or two of bad-ass female characters in Quentin Tarantino films. Perhaps Beatrix Kiddo (Uma Thurman “Kill Bill”) or Jackie Brown (Pam Grier), then like university degrees hung on walls have yours from:

          The Laboratory of Male Dismemberment
          Class of 2008
          Magna Cum Laude

          This might make cable-guys think twice or several times about even having a remote HINT of fishy suspicious activity! 😀

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Hahahaha! YES! PERFECT! That’s the spirit Lyz!

              (retrieves his arrest lettering-plate from Folsom State, with Johnny Cash autograph)

              Here! You can borrow mine for the photo shoot. Can you make your hair all crazy like? 😛

              Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I couldn’t decide either. But something intangible just tipped it to douche for me. Honestly, I think that because I wasn’t an asshole to him as soon as I opened my door, he decided to push his limits. I didn’t even insert all of the subtle fliting he tried to do.

      Liked by 1 person

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