Part One: The door-to-door AT&T salesperson is a bona fide douche.
So, the AT&T guy made himself quite comfortable in my home this evening. When I mention to him that he might be a murderer, which is perfectly normal, he laughs it off and says, “Why would I want to lie?” Ughhhh. Duhhhh. Cause you want to murder me. (I didn’t dare say rape and murder lest he thinks up an idea he didn’t have before.) He drops himself down onto one of my chairs, crushing the blinds behind him.
The chair has a slight rock. And he rocks.
He doesn’t notice; he’s busy staring at me and talking in a really stare-y way. When I’m still standing too long for his liking, he pulls up a chair for ME to sit down (right next to him, might I add.) I call him on it. Dude, I’m not sitting down. For what? He says, “It’s not like I’m asking you to sit on the sleeper sofa.” And seriously, how did he know it was a sleeper sofa? I don’t sit.
He asks if I like sports. I’m assuming he’s trying to think of which package to sell me although I’ve already told him 15 times that I’m cancelling my cable since we never watch tv anymore. But, I say yes. “Which sport?” Football, I say. “Who’s your favorite team?”
I ignore him. Bring the subject back to the business at hand. I’m still standing, he’s still sitting, by the way. ATTN: Men who know women only casually: If she is standing, you stand. IF SHE IS STANDING, YOU STAND.
It makes women uncomfortable to be standing and exposed with a man’s face at her crotch level. Or maybe that’s just me… not.
A man, a friend of the family, walks past the living room window and into the backyard. The ATT&T guy says,
“A man just walked past your window.”
“Is that your husband? Your boyfriend?”
Don’t worry about that. I know him.
“Okay, because I’m worried, some man is just walking past your window.”
It takes me– walking a few steps to the front door and opening it, walking outside and standing there– for him to get off the chair and out of my house. When I step in for a pen to jot down his contact info, he is one step behind me. The fuck.
Anyway I got his name and personal cellphone number… because he wants to be helpful. Ok. Hide your kids, hide your wife.
I nominate that guy as The Official Worst ATT&T Employee
I caught sight of him still walking the neighborhood a while later when I took my bike out for a ride. This brings us to the next part of my night–
Part Two: My Body Is Banging or I’m Changed Tonight (coming just as soon as I can type it. I am not a fast typist. Not even close. And I have this addiction to editing. If there are many errors, my apologies.)