The Right Panties


The wrong panties have the power to destroy a good time, and goodness help you if you aren’t in a position to go without them– for instance, you’re wearing tight jeans and would rather not get rug burn down there.

Here I am on a very short nature walk. I could have extended this walk for much further if I hadn’t worn the wrong panties… again. Panties are like children, better seen than felt. Wait, I don’t think that’s the way that saying goes. Either way, panties should be seen and not felt. Unfortunately, thongs don’t give a damn about the sizes that my ass increases and decreases and whether it’s keeping up with those changes.

Thongs are cats. They don’t give a damn. Cotton hipsters are dogs. They are here to serve. Except for my dog Porter whose brain would conveniently shut off every time he wanted to do something he knew he shouldn’t be doing.

Me: Porter, you shouldn’t be eating tubes of lipstick and chair cushions.

Porter: I didn’t realize that was frowned upon around here. My word, someone might have told me. Oh you did tell me. Yes, you’re right, my brain must’ve been dead for some time and just come back on. It’s sad, really, when you think about it; I’ll never make it into the police force with this condition.

I digress. Listen ladies, in the game of life, it’s important to remember that the things we own serve us, not the other way around. We are the captain’s of our ship and the masters of our fate (see Invictus). I can’t blame society for my panties riding up my ass. I had a choice. I can only blame myself for any chafing and hand-down-my-pants wedgie wrestling that ensues. Yes, it’s cliché, but comfort and sexy go hand in hand.

Sexy is not walking like a T-Rex because the arch on your heels is way too high for you to properly balance. Sexy is not walking like you got the thick end of a dry stick up your butt because your thongs are too tight. Sometimes having four butt cheeks is better than two. Life is about balance.

If you put on a few pounds and you’d rather not buy new panties, skip out on buying the new lipstick, makeup palette, dress, or coffee. Buy bigger panties. Just do it. Coochie burn will not remind you to lose weight; it will only make you less active: it will only make you feel less sexy. And who in the heck wants that?

Who’s got a funny wore the wrong panties story? Who else loves a good pair of granny panties? Who owns more hipsters than thongs? Let’s talk about the bits that cover our lady bits!





18 thoughts on “The Right Panties

  1. You….lol Well you know I have my special funeral panties. I’m hoping St. Peter gives me bonus points for those. Most of my panties are hipsters. Some thongs for special occasions. The other day Tommy asked what I was doing with my hand down my pants. I swear one cheek had just gone rogue and pushed all the pantie onto the other cheek. Oh he says I thought you had an itch. No dude, we don’t stick our hands down our pants to scratch ourselves. We’re ladies! lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, we ladies only stick our hands down our pants to locate rouge butt cheeks. Scratching? What are we, barbarians?! I’ve gotta admit, though, I’m dying to know if this funeral panties go as high as your navel. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    1. How’d you know I was laughing! 😃 I love it when people own their funny 💜 No offense to anyone, but I feel like St. Peter will be very delighted. The points are rolling in!

      Also, this is something I’ve never thought about before. I need to. I wanna be a lady!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Let’s talk about the benefits of bareback. I have an entire wardrobe of sweatpants (aka “yoga” pants) that I simply don’t think need undergarments. My “fancy” athletic wear (skirts) have built in panties. Warm or cold, skip em, I say. Less laundry too 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I own a couple thongs and some cute “cheeky” underwear from VS. I can’t remember the last time I wore them. Cotton boy shorts/hipsters all the way. I spend my days chasing 3 kids, ain’t no one got time for any extra “needs” going on!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Boy shorts and hipsters are the best thing that’s happened to women’s underwear since the thong. It’s such a great middle ground between super sexy but sometimes uncomfortable and super comfortable with no sex appeal at all. There should be a National cotton boy shorts day!


  4. Because I like lounging in my undies sometimes, I’ve acquired quite the collection of boy shorts & hipsters! Plus, I tend to steal my boyfriend’s boxer briefs haha


  5. I have variety but I end up wearing my comfy cheeky/thong panties the most. If you have butt wearing anything that cuts it off in the middle gives you this weird quadro-butt that I am not living for. I can’t wear regular panties or this happens.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My butt is definitely capable of achieving quadro-butt level as well, lol. But when I’m wearing something very loose and flowy, I love a good pair of regular panties. They feel like a guilty pleasure. Comfy cheeky/thong panties sound delightful. You’ve found your perfect match. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. “Panties are like children, better seen than felt.”
    I think you could write a thesis analyzing that statement 😀
    Or base 10 minutes of stand-up on it 🙂
    Should they be seen by everyone or just you when you put them on?
    Speaking of stand-up? Do you know Michelle Wolf? I think you might like her. I like her best when she appears on the British Show “8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown” where they make fun of British vs American accents.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol, that statement is all over the place. I may need psychoanalysis! It does seem like I’m leaving something on the table to only show off my panties to myself 😀

      I haven’t heard of Michelle Wolf, but I’ll definitely check her out! That show title sounds just as wacky as I’d expect from the Brits, lol. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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